Falling

I’ve been struggling a lot lately but I knew these dark times were coming. It’s trippy when you see a rough road ahead and all you can do is buckle up, hold on and hope you make it through. I took a hard fall a little over two months ago that required surgery. The second I felt the pop as I landed, I knew it was all over. I’ve replayed the moment over and over in my head. If only I had called it quits for the day and didn’t try that last route. I remember the week leading up to the fall feeling on top of the world. I had just started the job of my dreams. The weather was warming and I was about to get in the best shape of my life. Then it all came crashing down, literally. I had been using exercise as a way to bury my feelings for months and it was working great. Exhausting my body everyday helped me forget all the emotional pain I was in. The night of the fall I sat on my living room floor holding my dog as I cried, realizing I would have to face that underlying pain on top of everything else that was to come. I’ve overcome many struggles and challenges before but this was different.

I realized pretty early on relationships were going to be difficult for me. Feelings don’t come easy but when they do, they’re not an easy thing for me to turn off. My first boyfriend was early on in college, we weren’t together very long but I liked him enough to bring him to Easter to meet the family. He was a dumb kid just like we all are at 18 but I had fun with him. We shot guns, hiked, jet skied and had a genuine good time. Then his grandfather passed away and the relationship fell apart. Although I saw it coming, I remember how much pain I felt when he broke up with me. Laying in my dorm room under the blankets sobbing for hours. It was this pit, sunken like feeling in the center of my chest that just hurt. I spent a few hours in that bed until I decided it wasn’t worth the tears and moved onward. Later that night I found myself in a car with an old pal fucking like rabbits in the parking lot of an abandoned building. I felt so free in that moment as I rode him like it was going to be the last time. Shortly after we finished, that pit-like feeling oozed its way back into my chest. The animal sex was only a temporary reprieve to the pain I was still in. It only took a few weeks to start feeling like myself again, I was young and the relationship wasn’t that long. Even still, I realized if things were a bit different the breakup would have crushed me. It was a pain I never wanted to feel again.

Life has brought me many twists and turns. I’ve lost people I loved and suffered from some serious physical injuries but the pain of a broken heart seems to have trumped them all. I can remember shortly after it happened, I was driving down the road and started screaming as loud as I could. I had no tears left at that point and all I could think to do was yell to get out the pain. I felt to lost and broken at that point, to be honest I still do. I’m one more bad day away from screaming in my car as a speed down the highway. I feel out of control, like my life is in a complete free fall.  I am working so hard but for what I don’t know. To me none of this matters if there’s no one to share it with.

It didn’t take me long to jump back into the dating game and I was quickly reminded how dreadful it is in today’s world. Dating is exhausting, it takes effort but more importantly time. I’m in a constant push/pull with not wanting to be alone and not wanting to waste my time with conversations that lead to nowhere. I can feel myself getting closer and closer to settling, which is something I said I would never do. I’m just so tired of going through this alone. I’ve gone through so much alone and this last injury really put things into perspective for me. I just want this pain to go away and to feel like myself again. I’ve had many moments of joy these past few months but that underlying sadness is still inside. I can feel it. Like a cancer I’ve tried all the tricks to treat. I know time heals all wounds and I won’t feel like this forever but in the moment, it is all consuming. I finally understand all those songs and the guys I’ve met who have been broken beyond repair by women. I know I’m not broken forever but this is a pain I never want to experience again. The thought of falling and being crushed by someone else is likely enough to make me comfortable with dying alone. I wish this never happened but I’m glad it did. It’s difficult being in the thickets but hopefully someday I can lookback with a smile at how far I’ve come from this awful place I’m currently in.

-E