There’s been many times I’ve felt I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. A breakthrough into what, I’m not quite certain. I find feelings are sometimes difficult to put into simplistic terms. I don’t think I feel things like most people, but then again I’m not quite sure since I haven’t polled the population. I see how other’s react to the world and I can’t relate. At times during this pandemic I often felt like I was in the middle of a cold lake. One so big I wasn’t able to see the shore in any direction, I was just there, alone, treading water as the waves crashed in my face and I fought to stay afloat. A few years ago, as I was trying to change my life, I often felt I was racing down a long icy road on four bald tires.  Fighting the wheel trying not to spin out before I crossed the finish line. As the image of the line grew closer it still remained out of my grasp. I never crossed that finish line but I also don’t feel like I’m flying down an icy road anymore. Lately, I’ve felt I’m swimming up through murky water following the light as I battle to reach the surface. The feeling of a big, fresh, crisp inhale is right there but the murkiness is disorienting and I’m struggling to find the top.

I see why people do drugs to explore the inner workings of their mind. It’s a confusing place. Looking into yourself feels like stepping into a box filled with thousands of bees and you’re trying to find the ones with busted wings. I’ve been meditating for a few months now and it has really helped me with thoughts and being present but it has also spiked a lot of my curiosity. Having studied psychology in what feels like a former life, I know we are controlled mostly by our unconscious mind. The famous iceberg image comes to mind when thinking about the levels of consciousness. With our conscious state being the ice peeking out of the water and the bulk of the ice underwater representing our sub and unconscious. I like to think of our consciousness as a doorway of thoughts and perceptions. As we become aware of the things we are doing, reading or hearing they enter into the subconscious where they are stored and imprinted on us forever. Every memory, experience or impression then influences patterns of thought and behavior. It’s why psychologists will recommend saying something positive about yourself out loud, speaking those words over and over imprint on your subconscious and can help lead to a positive change. Then there is the unconscious state, the final level buried deep within, unaware of its existence yet having a significant influence on our behavior and how we perceive the world. The unconscious mind controls us. Think of a traumatic experience too difficult to think about so you push it out of thought, thinking it’s gone forever. But it’s not, that experience is alive and well manifesting deep within. If left unchecked, it will remain there forever. By altering the state of consciousness it allows us to take a deep dive into that box of bees, but this time the broken ones are glowing.

I feel compelled to search for what this all is and what it means. Part of me is worried I’ll never find the answer but I’m more afraid of being at the end and regretting never trying. I know this is something and the urge to explore is growing stronger. What are thoughts and where do they go? I’m certain we are connected in a way, but I’m not sure how. I’ve been trusting my gut for years and I have this innate feeling everything is going to be okay, but what is that exactly? I believe there is a complex world around us we aren’t able to see. Perhaps this is just a gateway into something greater and we are just supposed to enjoy the ride.

Stay well my friends,


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