I try never to think too far ahead in my life. In all honesty, it’s solely because I don’t want to jinx it. I have a tendency to fall down a tunnel of thought in my mind, formulating perfect scenarios, outcomes and ultimately realizing life never turns out as planned. At one point, I planned to work a 25-year career in law enforcement, retire at 49 and never work again. Spending the rest of my days traveling and doing whatever I pleased. It all sounded great in theory but in reality, I was miserable in that career. It wasn’t until I took a long vacation and pulled myself away from life, I was able to see outside the tunnel and realize how deeply unhappy I was. I returned home and immediately put the wheels were in motion and started to change my life. Once I told my family I made the decision to change careers, I remember receiving a multi-page email from my mother outlining things I should be thinking about, researching, focusing on, etc. I made it to the second paragraph and sent it to trash (sorry mom!). Her intentions were great but I knew I didn’t want to make the same mistake with the new career as I did with the previous. I had this gut feeling I would figure it out as I went along, trusted that feeling and hoped for the best. I never wrote out a goal or a dream, I just put my head down and kept fucking hustling. That mentality hasn’t changed much but lately I’ve felt a bit lost. For the first time in my life the state of the country has been weighing on me and I’ve started to realize how vulnerable we are. Having a background in geology I realize more than the average person how unbelievably insane it is we are a species living on this planet but this feeling is a bit different.
In this instance I let myself disappear down the tunnels in my mind and one thought smacked me in the face so hard, I was dumbfounded it took me this long to piece it together. The root of my uneasiness is stemmed from the uncertainty of the country, as I’m sure is the case for many people. However, I’m not many people. I don’t over react, I rarely panic, in fact I would consider myself an under reactor in many situations. Which is why this has thrown me for such a loop. We rely on so many entities to live that are outside of our control, making us so disconnected from everything it takes to actually survive. The pandemic shown a spotlight on the kinks in that chain and we all turned into maniacs. Hoarding toilet paper, filling the freezer with meat and fighting for Clorox wipes. All of it made me realize I don’t want to rely on anyone for anything. I want to live a sustainable life that I can look back on and hopefully say I personally left the plant better then when I arrived. I realize this is no easy task but neither was quitting a stable job when I had a mortgage, student loans and planned on going back to school. When I put my mind to something, the possibilities are endless.
Stay well out there,