Don’t take life too seriously, no one really knows what we are doing on this planet despite the fables they may tell. This story I’m about to share is highlighting a humbling experience that was entirely my own doing. I know my boyfriend will smirk when reading this, he was right, I should have listened to him.
At this point in my life I was juggling five jobs, barely scraping by and living in my basement with no end in sight. Out of the blue a good friend of mine emailed me a job opportunity. Despite having been at my current full-time position only a few months it would be a twenty-thousand-dollar salary increase and an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. As fate had it, I landed the job, however one thing stood in my way. A drug test. Having read the state statutes prior to applying, I knew companies and organizations had to disclose if a background check and/or drug test was required pre-employment, they did not. So, in short, I had been toking away leading right up to the interviews. When I received the conditional offer pending passing a drug test, I panicked inside but maintained my cool and bought myself two weeks.
First, I decided to try and detox my body the old fashion way, by flooding my system with copious amounts of water, cranberry juice and other cleansing cocktail recipes I found online. However, after seven days I was still pissin hot. Now was crunch time, I had exactly seven days before the drug test. I purchased a 7-day detox kit online called “toxin rid”. The instructions very clearly and detailed stated to take three pills, five times a day, an hour apart with 16 ounces of water for six days. Thankfully carrying copious amounts of fluids with me from job to job was nothing out of the ordinary.
Day one went off without a hitch, I felt great and even worked out that night despite the recommendations. The morning of day two I arrived at work early and decided to take a quick pee before heading upstairs to my office. As I sat on the porcelain throne and my cheeks spread ever so slightly, I let out the tiniest of toots as I started to pee. However, the sound of the liquid hitting the water was too loud to just be urine. I spread my legs, peering through at the black murky water that lay beneath me. I quickly wiped my crevasses and stood up to investigate further. The entire bowl was covered with what I can only describe as dark sludge that had been held up inside my body for years, and this was only the beginning.
I quickly learned that day no fart could be trusted and you better make damn sure there is a private bathroom because there is no such thing as a quick pee. The second I would sit and relax my swimsuit setup, a waterfall of shit flew out of my butthole. It got to the point I would fold a few squares of toilet paper and shove it up my rectum in an effort to plug the geyser from erupting should I happen to accidentally sneeze. During that week I had to take a few trips across the state for work and it so happened we were in the middle of a pandemic when restaurants and rest areas were closed. I had no choice but to find a backwoods road and paint the leaves like a startled skunk.
By day four my starfish was so chapped I was carrying around wipes to soften the sting. My stomach was rumbling so loud and frequently, it felt like there was a creature living inside my body. The kit recommended eating clean that week with lean protein and vegetables to aid in the detox process. I disregarded that and took the opportunity to eat whatever I wanted because I figured I would just be shitting it out anyway (I was right). The night of day five I painted the bowl one last time before bed, peering at my deposit as it swirled around before disappearing, I observed undigested food. Realizing what a number this was doing on my insides I elected to keep the rest of my toxins and hope for the best.
The night before the big day I took a drug test I bought at CVS to ease my mind. It in fact did the opposite. The negative line was barely visible, I began to panic. I woke up early the next morning, drank a quart of water then decided to take the “day of” fiber drink from the kit. I mixed the fiber in a glass of water, plugged my nose, closed my eyes and chugged. I made it to the third sip before I projectile vomited all over my kitchen window followed by a few more times on the kitchen floor. Luckily my trusty mutt didn’t seem to mind the taste and lapped it right up.
With the moment of truth growing closer I had no choice but to drink another quart and hope for the best. I made it to the lab right on time, deposited my specimen, which was so clear I could have drunk it and am happy to report, passed the test. I would by no means ever recommend taking this kit. The sounds and amount of material that came out of my body was truly alarming. However, if you’re in a pinch whether it be to pass a drug test or lose a few pounds, this undoubtedly works. And if you do decide to purchase this kit, please email me your story, I’d love to hear it.
All the best,